The more angry and frustrated you become, the more unpredictable you are. You can't think straight and hardly know what you are doing. You may even 'wake up' as if you have been in a trance. When you are very emotional your brain will go into a 'primitive' fight or, more likely, flight mode. It assumes your life is in danger. It directs your mind and body accordingly, milliseconds before you are consciously aware! You are in an emotional 'trance state'. Depending on its intensity, you may or may not be able to calm yourself down.
What happens when we are angry, or otherwise highly emotional
When you are very angry your brain goes into survival mode. It adopts a 'better safe than sorry' approach. The effects are:
- black and white - 'all or nothing' thinking - loss of objectivity - loss of context - narrow focus of attention - inability to consider other people's point of view
Anger problems are all too often associated with stress.
There is little point in investing in anger management, when you are really suffering badly from stress. Stress is so damaging to you and indirectly to the relationships with the people closest to you.
Charles Linden suffered badly from stress related conditions and he cured himself. The programme he developed even comes with a 1-year money-back guarantee.
How to deal with anger when you anticipating it
Set a time limit on a discussion Deal with one subject at a time Agree to stay calm for that time Plan time to relax/have fun after the discussion Plan to do some aerobic exercise immediately after
Top anger management tips
How to avoid becoming too angry in the first place
Keep focussing on what is being said Avoid interruptions with: "Yes, but…", or "No, I don't....". Avoid making assumptionsor jump to conclusions Check what was meant before you respond Remain respectful regardless of someone else's reactions Avoid wanting to be right Avoid holding a monologue Avoid provocations (see box)
Very angry? Take a break
State calmlythat you would like a little time out to reflect Agree a time limit for the break - at least twenty minutes Take some deep breaths, breath out very slowly Continue with counting your breaths: 7 counts in, 11 counts out Divert your attention - read, plan, talk to someone else Avoid 'rehearsing' your reasons for being angry or being right Allow your mind and body to calm down Then consider the situation from the other person's perspective
Excellent information on domesticviolence: BBC "Hitting Home"
Unrelenting criticism and name calling are a form of emotional abuse and unacceptable in any relationship.
Returning to the conversation?
Start with listening fully to what the other person has to say Knowhow to deal with criticism Pick up further tips from my page on negotiation Finish the conversation acknowledging the positives, however small
What exactly is eating away at you?
What exactly is making you angry? What exactly are the triggers? Could it be that you are stuck blaming someone else? Write down what you are feeling/thinking, take a few minutes each day Avoid 'rehearsing' why you are angry the rest of the day Postpone dealing with any angry thoughts until your 'writing time' Accept that you will only ever have control over yourself
What else are you dealing with?
It would really help if you could get to the bottom of your anger. It may be that your anger is a symptom of another problem.
Have you been feeling depressed? Have you been going through a particularly stressful time? Are you having relationship problems? Are you suffering from a lack of sleep? Are you having problems at work?
