Children and divorce. The effects of separation and divorce on your child

I would like to focus on how you can positively affect the outcomes for your children after your separation/divorce. My experience is that considerate parents are desperate to minimise the effects of separation and divorce on their children. I hope that you are one of those parents. I expect that you have not wanted your relationship to go wrong and I would hope that you have explored every other way to resolve the problems between you, including couple counselling with a qualified counsellor.

You both love them, despite your living separately

You will both continue to care for them, if appropriate

You will not leave them (which they often fear, if one parent has left)

You will see and speak with them on the telephone

It is not their fault (however 'naughty' they may have been)

They are very special (mention the reasons why this is so often)

What is going to happen, when you are sure yourself, taking into account your children's understanding of time (age-related)

You are interested in their views, however:

you and your partner make the decisions

Speaking badly of your partner to the children at any time

Making underhands remarks to them

Changing arrangements for visits, unless you really have to

Not turning up

Making promises you are not sure you can keep

Saying to your children: "You are now the man/woman of the house". But: children will benefit from being given age/ability-appropriate tasks, as that increase their self-esteem

Letting other people get away with speaking badly about either of you in front of the children, no matter who they are

Your children may feel rejected, insecure, guilty, confused and angry--probably not much different from you. They can react in one of three ways: become withdrawn, difficult or very 'good' or swing between all three. Their school work might be affected and they may be depressed.

With your support, most of what they feel will eventually fade and all of you should feel better eventually, depending on how the separation and divorce are handled. So you owe it to yourself and the children to look after yourself as best as you can; visit the pages on depression, stress, separation and divorce and divorce counselling to learn more.

Keep other changes as a consequence of the separation or divorce to a minimum to prevent them having to deal with further losses

Ensure that it is possible for them to love the both of you without feeling guilty about 'letting one of you down'

Allow them to talk about their spending time with the other parent

Encourage contact with both sides of the family if possible

Continue to visit friends as normal

Make sure that they cannot overhear your sharing concerns with friends and family regarding the situation

Give them plenty opportunity to talk. Talking is often easier during a joint activity, rather than sitting down more formally to enquire about their well-being

Keep your promises

Carry on with the usual activities and routines, whenever possible

Make time to sit with them, to play with them, to watch them

At all costs, try and stay calm whilst you are around them, shouting only encourages them to shout

Keep conflict away from them and ensure that friends and family do the same

All the points mentioned are most probably going to cost you an enormous amount of energy at a time you are likely to vacillate between feeling angry, confused, guilty, hurt and exhausted yourself as a result of your separation/divorce.

Your children do not have any real choices, so they need you to be as steady as you can possibly manage, however it is not the end of the world if they see you cry on occasion.

If you do remain grief-stricken and tearful a lot of the time, then do seek help.