Listen so people talk. Effective listening skills to improve any relationship.

Think about your timing - ask if it is a good time to talk, or:

Ask when it would be convenient (preferably the same day).

Agree on a time and set a time limit on the discussion.

Ensure that you are not going to be disturbed.

Agree to stay calm, or take a break if tempers rise.

Pay attention - switch the TV off, put your book/work down.

Face your partner and try to make eye contact without staring.

Finish on a positive to prevent the feeling that you have failed.

Communicate respectfully

Repeat (another day) or change depending on feedback.

Anticipate that these conversations will translate in another step forward.

Follow up with time to have some fun.

Feed back any feelings you pick up: "You sound angry/disappointed/hurt".

Repeat in your own words what you think you have heard.

Do your best to understand, but don't expect to understand it all.

Ask for clarification if you don't understand.

Use prompts: "Uhuh", "go on"," tell me more",

Use encouraging non-verbal signs such as: nodding and smiling

Leave space for the other person to gather their thoughts.

Don't fill in the silences too quickly.

Concentrate on what your partner is saying.

Don't interrupt with statements such as: "Yes, but…", or "No, I don't....".

Check what was meant before you respond if you become emotional.

Don't make assumptions or jump to conclusions--check it out.

Agree that there is no failure, only feedback.

Common

communication

spoilers:

judging

dismissals

threats

pressure

unwanted advice

put downs

attacks

lecturing

trivializing

blaming

sarcasm

lying

sulking

shouting

assuming

sneering

defending

justifying

stonewalling

take a break, there is no point in talking when either of you feels so angry that you cannot think straight.

When we are highly emotional we engage a part of the brain that, in evolutionary terms, was designed to help us survive. Its 'better safe than sorry' approach allows only black and white thinking - not very helpful when you are trying to resolve an issue and need to be objective!

Take at least twenty minutes out to allow your mind and body to calm down. During that time try to divert your attention or do a relaxation exercise, but avoid rehearsing your reasons for being angry.

If you find yourself being too angry too often, then do contact a Human Givens therapist. An HG therapist uses a wide approach, including hypnotherapy, to deal with all kinds of problems, including anger.