Fed up with endless and pointless arguments? When you focus on meeting your husband/wife's essential emotional needs, you are much more likely to have a successful outcome - a win-win situation. Here is a step-by-step to stop you arguing as a couple.
Couples who argue don't prepare
It helps if your 'other half' know you want to discuss something important or something that you know causes arguments. Here is what you need to consider.
Know what you want to achieve in ideal circumstances Consider alternative solutions Work outbeforehandwhat you want to say Write it down if necessary Think about how you are going to say it Practise responding calmly to any potentially adverse reactions Read the page on dealing with criticism Know what you are willing to give up Decide on a 'reward' (Tip: a new activity increases the level of dopamine - a 'feel-good' hormone)
Choose the right time and place to negotiate
"Set the scene" by establishing ground rules - e.g. agree to stay calm Ensure that you won't be disturbed
10 Tips that stop couples arguing
Invite your spouse to help you each get the best out of the 'chat' Give him/her plenty of time to express him/herself Avoid interrupting at all cost! Listen out for underlying emotional needs that have not been met Ask questions in a neutral tone of voice; avoid making assumptions Remember: listening does not imply agreeing! Repeat what you think you have heard in your own words Summarise to check that you have understood as much as possible Ask how the other's solution will solve the problem Ask/ensure the person allows you to do the same
Stop arguing, focus on finding a positive solution
Be specific, focus on a particular issue, don't drift into other issues Do not confuse things by talking about other people and events Be brief, if you really need to refer to associated events Refer to only a couple of examples of those, to illustrate if necessary Take a break if either of you becomes over-emotional
Paraphrasing (repeating in your own words what the other person has said) will help to ensure that you are beginning to understand the other person's position and break down barriers. It will also help you to remember more easily what was said, particularly if you are feeling a bit apprehensive. Importantly the other person is likely to feel valued.
How to compromise and stop arguments
Firstly, ensure equal time to explain both position fully (ground rule!) Accept that you cannot have it all your own way Say what you are willing to give up Brainstorm together for ideas neither of you had considered
How to conclude the negotiations
Confirm what each is responsible for to ensure a successful outcome Discuss the best way to remind each other of agreements, without pressurising Be clear together what the consequences are for non-committal Set a date and time, when you can 'revisit' the subject (I call it a 'board meeting when I work with couples)
Resolve to stay calm The more emotional we become the more primitive our thoughts and the less refined our feelings.
Finally
Sometimes it is difficult to reach a compromise. In that case the person for whom the issue is least important can choose to 'invest' in the relationship. He/she can let the other have it their way, loose the battle, but win the war and help to save your marriage/relationship. Alternatively a telephone counselling session can really help you gain some perspective and stop you arguing so much as a couple.
