Dealing with criticism, without loosing confidence or self-esteem

Dealing with criticism

without loosing confidence or self-esteem

You will miss the point if

You automatically take the criticism personally

You react aggressively to the criticism

You immediately try to prove the other person wrong

Dealing with criticism if is realistic

Accept the criticism, we all make mistakes

Accept the criticism calmly

Agree briefly, depending on what happened - no need for endless explanations and excuses

Make amends, learn from your mistakes, and move on

Dealing with criticism if it is not realistic

Ask for more information to ascertain if there is a misunderstanding or whether it was meant to hurt if you are unsure

Just say: "Maybe we need to accept that we see 'things' differently."

Wait with further discussions until you have both calmed down.

Excellent information on domestic violence - BBC "Hitting Home"

Listen optimistically

If you listen in the hope, belief, and mental set that you will gain value from the experience, you enormously increase the probability that your mind will find valuable relationships. In addition, the whole process of listening will become increasingly enjoyable.

Tony Buzan "Make the most of your mind" (Pan, 1988)

Destructive criticism could include:

judging

put downs

attacks

trivializing

blaming

sarcasm

Sneering

Other

communication spoilers

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Dealing with criticism as an opportunity to learn

If someone offers you constructive criticism, try to see it as an opportunity to learn something about yourself. It can be painful, so it may help to discuss it with a good friend who is not afraid of being honest but can help you to build on your strengths. Failing that contact a Human Givens Therapist/couple counsellor to help you do exactly that.

However, unrelenting criticism and name calling are a form of emotional abuse and unacceptable in any relationship.

Arguing is in itself not necessarily a problem as long as neither of you treats the other with contempt. Do look for ways to end the row and make up. Don't make it a battle of wills by waiting for your partner to make the first move. If the rows become more frequent and last longer, your relationship is in danger and it is time to seek help.

Always arguing?

How to offer criticism

First of all you want to be sure that the other person is not going to shut their ears from the moment you open your mouth!

Start by building on the other person's strengths

"I admire the way you deal with …"; "I have noticed how …"; "You seem to have really mastered …!

Say something positive about the issue

"Your strength of feeling shows how much your care about this."

"We have always managed to preserve the relationship, despite …"

Follow with the 'four-part "I" message':

1. Describe the behaviour, without attacking the person

"I noticed / heard that you have forgotten that …"

2. Describe how you feel about the problem.