Feeling hurt and angry by criticism and/or rejection?
Criticism and rejection, though part of life, can be very upsetting. Endless rumination (negative thinking) does not help, undermines our self-esteem and wastes precious energy. Criticism can be a form of bullying on the one hand, but a gift on the other if it is delivered by someone who genuinely has our best interest at heart and/or has expertise in the appropriate field. Read on to learn how to handle criticism of you, your behaviour or your work - major or minor, at home or in the work place.
Being defensive is not a helpful response
You will miss the point if you immediately react defensively.
Don't automatically take the criticism personally Don't reactaggressively to the criticism Don't immediately try to prove the other person wrong Don't concentrate on finding fault in the other person
Anger and upset can limit your thinking
The more emotional we are, the more limited our thinking and questionable our reactions! If you are upset and/or angry, distract and calm yourself for a while: engage in a hobby or interest, go for a walk/run/cycle ride, talk to a friend, listen to calming music. Then consider all your options.
Accepting appropriate and realistic criticism
Determine if the person has all the information Ensure the information is accurate and unbiased (as far as possible) Calmly ask for a further explanation Consider how the information was gathered Consider if there is a misunderstanding Consider whether it was delivered to deliberately hurt you/abusive Ask for a break to do some thinking (and to calm down!)
What about that critical person?
None of the following points are offered as excuses, but they may explain and help put things in context. Is your critic:
irrational due to physical or emotional strain? unskilled in communicating? acting on behalf of someone else?
Excellent information on domesticviolence: BBC "Hitting Home"
How to deal with criticism if/when it is fair
Accept the criticism, we all make mistakes Accept the criticism calmly Agree briefly, depending on what happened Avoid endless explanations and excuses Make amends, learn from your mistakes, let it go and move on
Remember: - you are not your thoughts - you are not your work - you are not your art - you are not your feelings - you are not your behaviour
There is much more to you than any of these aspects.
"All blame is a waste of time. No matter how much fault you find with another, and regardless of how much you blame him, it will not change you" Wayne Dyer
Destructive criticism could include: Judging, put downs, attacks, trivializing, blaming, sarcasm, sneering Unrelenting criticism and name calling are a form of emotional abuse and unacceptable.
Dealing with unfaircriticism
Unfair criticism can feel devastating. Ask yourself: Whose problem is it really? Are you rating their opinion of you higher than your own? Are you setting yourself up to be criticised? Is it really a power struggle? Is it about one-upmanship, competition, retaliation, control?
Even constructive criticism can feel really uncomfortable. However, gentle feedback and drawing out all of your strengths allows you to learn something about yourself. If you are really struggling, let me help you.
