Thenegative effects of divorce on your children can be much contained if you can really put their needs first. My experience is that considerate parents are desperate to minimise the negative effects of separation and divorceon their children and will have explored every way to resolve the problems. They have often been for couples counseling so as to do all they can to prevent their children having to go through the pain of a family break-up. Parents are often painfully reminded of their own family break-down. Find out more about endings and relationship counselling.
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What are the effects of divorce on children?
Your children may, in the first couple of months, feel rejected, insecure, guilty, confused and angry - probably much like you. They may become withdrawn, difficult, very 'good' or swing between all three. Their school work might be affected and they may be depressed.
Your children will need opportunities to express how they are feeling about the separation/divorce. They may say that they:
feel angry with (blame) you, your partner or the both of you miss the other parent want to know if and when the two of you are getting back together do not feel they have a 'normal' family
With your support, most of what they feel will eventually fade and all of you should feel better eventually, depending on how you deal with the break-up. Do not allow your children to be in the middle of the arguments.
Miriam Chachamu is a gifted family therapist, working in London.
Children in the middle? What they need to hear.
You both love them, despite your living separately You will both continue to care for them - if they are safe You will not leave them (which they often fear, if one parent has left) You will see and speak with them on the telephone It is not their fault (however 'naughty' they may have been) They are very special (with the reasons why) What is going to happen at least short-term, taking into account your children's understanding of time (age-related) You are interested in their views, however: you and your partner make the decisions, however upsetting
Vital tips to minimise the effects of divorce on children
Keep other changes to a minimum Changes invariably mean losses, even if there are positive aspects Ensure that it is possible for them to love the both Ensure they do not feel they are 'letting down' one or both of you Allow them to talk about their spending time with the other parent Encourage contact with both sides of the family if possible Continue to visit friends as normal Make sure that they cannot overhear your sharing concerns about the separation/divorce with friends and family Give them plenty opportunity to talk (easier during a joint activity) Keep your promises Carry on with the usual activities and routines, whenever possible Make time to sit with them, to play with them, to watch them At all costs, try and stay calm whilst you are around them shouting only encourages them to shout Keep conflict away from them and Ensure that friends and family are aware of all this
You will need to be as steady as you can to help your children feel secure. However, they will recover from seeing you cry on occasion!
These will undoubtedly have a negative effect:
Speaking badly of your partner to or in front of the children Making under hands remarks to and about your (ex-)husband/wife Changing arrangements for visits, unless unavoidable Not turning up when they are expecting you Making promises you are not sure you can keep Saying to your children: "You are now the man/woman of the house". However: children will benefit from being given age/ability-appropriate tasks, as that increase their self-esteem Letting other people get away with speaking badly about either of you in front of the children, no matter who they are. Your kids will be in the middle.
Avoid letting your children break the normal, reasonable rules - those you always considered important.
Good 'boundaries' help your children to feel secure.
