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How to end a relationship finishing without 'dumping' - ending with care |

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What NOT to do to end a relationship |
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Text with the message that the relationship is over Leave a message on an answer machine Telephone with a view to end the relationship during the conversation Let someone else pass the message on Cut of all contact that person without first giving an explanation Become antagonistic in the hope that your partner will dump you Start an another relationship/affair Repeatedly give excuses for your unavailability before ending Avoid your partner if you have not made it clear that it is finished Avoid conversations with your partner about your relationship Finish a relationship in a public place End it just before your partner is due to meet other people Tell other people of your intend to end it before your partner Expect that you can end a relationship without anybody feeling hurt Instigate the break-up of the relationship during a row Chicken out of ending the relationship, when you really know it is over |
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Are you thinking of ending your relationship? Have you lost interest? Does your partner want to break up the relationship? |
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Ending the relationship or confronted with the break-up? |
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Whatever your circumstances, the reason you are visiting this page is likely to be that you feel at the very least 'uncomfortable' about a present relationship - perhaps you feel you should finish the relationship, cannot wait to end it if only you knew how, or you have been putting the break-up off for too long. Or are you the one to feel that you have been 'dumped'? |
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I have often been amazed at the lack of care and consideration given to the ending of a relationship. The most quoted reasons why someone has difficulties moving on from a broken relationship is not understanding why and/or not having been given sufficient opportunity to talk it over. Breaking up a relationship responsibly needs time and consideration. |
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If you are in an abusive relationship, visit the BBC 's "Hitting Home" for further information. |
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How do you end a relationship? |
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Ending a relationship in a way that preserves your and your partner's dignity can be difficult to do. However, depending on your circumstances you may need to stay in touch for a short period of time if you have to divide your possesions, a longer period if you have to sell your home and for the rest of your life if you have children, so consideration is needed. It is likely that when you arrive at the decision to end a long-term relationship, you will have gone through different stages, which to some extend can also be seen in shorter relationships. If, however, you are unsure about the relationship, discuss it with your partner and get help. Equally, if you have seen the ending of several relationships, it may be worth taking stock with the help of a counsellor. |
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Before ending the relationship |
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Arrange a time and place where you can talk, somewhere quiet Ensure that you are not going to be disturbed Say in advance that there is something important that you want to discuss Accept that you partner may express strong feelings, just quietly listen Consider in advance if you yourself might also become upset, particularly after a long relationship, and what support you might need Read the pages on communication skills Ideally you will already have discussed the problems in your relationship Ideally you should know how your partner feels |
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Here are some ideas that might help you to preserve both your dignity and your, soon to be, ex-partner's, bearing in mind that some apply only if you are not living together and that you are not in an abusive relationship. I cannot of course cover every eventuality, so do call me to discuss your individual circumstances.. |
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Breaking up if your partner neither wants or expects an ending |
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Allow time for feelings to be expressed, but don't stretch it out unnessarily (see 'listening skills') - set a time limit Do not start a row now, even if you feel angry and hurt - stay calm Explain your reasons as much as you can. See: How to offer criticism Accept that possibly nothing you can say will make it better for your partner, other than that you will try again - be kind, but strong Remember that the more emotional someone is, the less likely they will make sense and be able to consider their reaction at the time |
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After finishing the relationship |
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Have 'some' time-limited conversations over a period of weeks if you are/have been living together and more over months if you have children Read the pages on separation and divorce Allow one other opportunity to talk over the ending of your relationship, if it was relatively short and you were not living together |
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Home Human Givens Relationship help Dealing with an ending Your mental well-being Helping you to recover Counselling or therapy Links |
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Elly Prior, HG Dip P, Cert CC Relate, MHGI, MBACP (Accred) Human Givens Therapist Gillingham, Kent, UK Tel.: (+44) 01634 856176 Email |
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Everybody and every situation is different; for counselling, advice and support. |
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Updated: 16/02/06 |