Struggling to find a way to end a relationship? If you are at all unsure about the relationship - you need to talk to your partner and get help. However, perhaps things have not been right for a long time and you have already tried to address the problems, now you want to finish it if only you knew how. Read on for pointers to help you prepare for splitting up - being considerate of your partner's feelings encourages self-respect.
What stage are you at?
The decision to end a long-term relationship will probably have come after you have gone through different stages. Stages in short-term relationships are more 'condensed' and some maybe missing. If you have seen the ending of several relationships, it may be worth taking stock with the help of a counsellor. Remember: ending may be painful for you too.
Do you need to stay in touch after you have split up?
Your circumstances will to some extend determine how long you may need to stay in touch: for a short period of time if you have to divide your possesions, much longer if you have to sell your home and for the rest of your life if you have children, so consideration is needed.
Thought of preparing before ending the relationship?
Read the pages on communication skills first of all Arrange a time and place where you can talk in private Make sure that you won't be disturbed Give no longer than a few hours notice that you want to discuss something important Consider in advance what support you might need, particularly after ending a long-term relationship Accept that your partner may express strong feelings Be prepared to listen and 'sit with' your partner's distress Resolve not to argue during the conversation Think throughwhat you are going to say Think through your responses to all possible scenarios Focus on your role and your contribution to the relationship
Reasons for breaking up? Talk about your role in your relationship problems and how you have ran out of steam. Criticising your partner for what you perceive to be wrong with her/him will only encourage them to want to change into whatever they think you would want them to be at that moment and plead for you to give them another chance. However, be sure that do not want another chance!
How do I start and what do I say to finish it?
Begin by asking how he/she is feeling right now - listen and acknowledge Set a realistic time limit if you anticipate an endless conversation Lead by saying he/she must have realised this is a different conversation State your reasons gently - keep it short, no endless explanations Repeat if necessary Allow time for feelings to be expressed, but don't stretch it out unnessarily Donot start a row now, even if you feel angry and hurt - stay calm Accept that possibly nothing you can say will make it better for your partner, other than that you will 'try again' - be kind, but determined Remember that the more emotional someone is, the less able they are to take things in. Do not expect them to think or react rationally.
Giving bad news Giving bad news is best done gently, step by step. This gives the other person a chance to process at least some of what you are trying to say. Giving them at least half an hour notice (maximum half a day) helps to prepare them. Do not be drawn into giving any hint about what the conversation is about. Just repeat gently but firmly that you are not prepared to discus it on the phone (if that is what you need to do to give advance warnoing).
What really won't work or is not fair
Don't text or leave leave a message on an answer machine Don't end the relationship during a telephone conversation Don't let someone else pass the message on Don't suddenly cut off all contact without first giving an explanation Don't become antagonistic in the hope that your partner will dump you Don't start an affair Don't be 'unavailable' if what you really need to do is end Don't avoid conversations about the state of your relationship Don't finish a relationship in a public place, unless you are unsafe Don't end it just before your partner has a commitment Don't tell other people of your intend to end before your partner knows Don't expect an ending without anybody feeling hurt Don't end in the middle of a row Don't chickenout of ending, when you really know it is over
Not understanding why and/or not having been given sufficient opportunity to talk it over are the most quoted reasons why someone has not been able to move on from a broken relationship.
Breaking up is worth doing well to preserve each other's dignity and help you both move on.
Emotions and control Don't 'dump' in a fit of anger - the damage may be permanent.
Don't say your want to finish the relationship in the hope your partner will do whatever to please you - you will never get your essential emotional needs met by trying to control someone and your partner may just be pleased!
After finishing the relationship
Read the pages on separation and divorce. Be prepared to have further conversations about the ending, depending on how long the relationship lasted, how intense it was, how secure/insecure you and your partner are.
Elly Prior, HG Dip P, Cert CC Relate, MHGI, MBACP (Accred) the human givens approach for personal and relationship problems Gillingham, Kent, UK Tel.: (+44) 01634 856176
