Separation and divorce.When an important relationship is ending.

The break-up of a relationship is never easy

Unfortunately often divorce is only just around the corner and a lot of the work couple counsellors do is 'crisis management', including divorce counselling if requested or as a last resort. Many couples come too late, when one of the partners has been unhappy for a long time and may already have gone through the following process:

Separation and divorce

when an important relationship is coming to an end

Are you unable to resolve an important issue despite your very best attempts? Does that issue now overshadow the relationship, whilst on the whole you get on reasonably well? Would it be a solution for you to live separately, but not too far away, finances permitting?

This may be a solution too for those couples, who feel they are the best of friends, but have grown apart as partners.

Be aware that this may only work if you can separate amicably.

accepting that a relationship has its ups and downs

realising that a dip has lasted too long

trying to talk to their partner

perhaps even suggesting counselling

making a renewed effort to improve the relationship

wondering what it would be like to separate and be on their own

exploring solutions to adverse practical and financial consequences

making concrete plans in anticipation of a separation

disclosing intentions

attending counselling sessions 'as a last resort'

Signs that a relationship may be in danger

not talking much about personal 'stuff'

saying the same things over and over about important issues

feeling frustrated, angry and hurt, whenever you have tried to talk

feeling increasingly depressed

becoming increasingly irritable and/or withdrawn

feeling unhappy and maybe even talking about separation

going out more frequently, leading more and more separate lives

frequently coming home later than usual

having an affair

acting generally 'out of character'

arguing more frequently

rowing longer with attacks becoming more vicious

You and/or your partner are:

By the time they come to see a counsellor, one partner may have been preparing to leave for some time. He/she often still cares, but only like a brother/sister. The other feels as if the world around them has collapsed. Both are on different time-scales, and their needs, in counselling and at home, are very different. One wants distance, afraid that any sympathy may be seen as a sign of hope that separation or divorce can be averted. The other desperately needs the comfort of a close attachment, asking questions, wanting answers, commitment, and reassurance.

Different needs

Some of these are obvious signs that the relationship is in danger, some could be the result of stress or depression, causing secondary relationship problems. Either way: time to take stock and take action!

Responsibility versus blame

Try to accept some responsibility and reflect on your own role in the relationship, rather than blame each other, your partner or yourself entirely. It is easier to change yourself, than to wait for someone else to change, if at all they do! If you are normally led by other people, taking some responsibility helps you to feel a little more in control and back in the 'driving seat'. This will help you to stay focussed, either during the process of separation and divorce, or during trying times, whilst you are making an effort to get your relationship back on track and prevent a break-up.