Stop the 'merry-go-round'! Identify the problem by asking the right questions. Uncovering essential information will help you to:
discover the exact nature of the problem identify all of your available resources see that these may be far "richer" than you think separate yourself from the problem look at the problem calmly and objectively
Abstract and over-generalised thinking makes minor issues appear much larger and significant problems appear unmanageable.
Being quite specific about what exactly the problems is, will give you a more realistic picture that is less likely to overwhelm you.
Dealing with several problems? Start with the problem that is easiest to resolve. Don't worry if it takes you several days to answer the questions - think of it as a project and a new start.
The time
When does the problem occur? When is it at its worst? When does it not occur? Can I identify a pattern?
Where does the problem mostly occur? Where does it not occur? Can I identify a pattern?
The sequence
Limited thinking - case study One of my teenage clients hated school and decided she was going to change schools after her exams.
On careful enquiry about what exactly was so awful and how often she was exposed to that 'awfulness', we found that she disliked two teachers (one of whom she only saw an hour a week), found one subject really hard (but had not asked for help) and had fallen out with a friend (but had made new friends).
She was the victim of emotional 'black en white thinking' . I calmed her and helped her to think clearly by asking the right questions. Low and behold, she found to her surprise that things were not really so bad!
What are the exact steps leading up to the problem arising? How does it start? What exactly was/is my train of thought? What am I doing/feeling/seeing/hearing? Can I identify a pattern?
Other people
What significant people are present/absent when the problem occurs? What does my partner/friend/colleague/family think about the problem? Can one of them act like the devil's advocate? Can I identify a pattern?
The one and only
What part of the problem is for me to sort out and no-one else? Can I separate myself from it by giving it a colour/name/shape? What part of the problem do I have (some) control over? Have I made assumptions when previously trying to sort this problem? Do I need help with it?
Your resources
What parts of my role as a spouse / colleague, employee or employer/ girl- or boyfriend are working well? What exactly am I doing that makes it work well? What skills/resources am I using in my spare time and in my work? What are my achievements? (large 'one off's' or every day 'small' ones: passing your driving test, getting your PhD or cooking a meal) What would I consider to be 'life's little pleasures'? (i.e. a hot bath, first flowers in spring, looking at art, reading an inspiring book, etc.) Who has solved a similar problem? How did they do it? Who can help and/or advice me whilst staying objective? Who can support/encourage me whilst staying objective?
Most people overestimate their emotional reaction to any difficulties associated with an anticipated change. So, be bold and courageous if you are facing a chance. Be curious about what positives could come out of it all.
Beyond the problem
What would I be doing/concentrating on if I did not have the problem? How exactly would I be different? What would my friends/family/colleagues notice about me?
The next step Once you have identified exactly what the problems are and perhaps have broken them up in smaller parts, the next step is to deal with the smallest/easiest one first, to help build your confidence. Alternatively, decide to go for the big one the moment you get out of bed and … get it done!
Remember there is no failure, only feed-back.
Beginning to identify a solution
What would happen if I just ignored the problem? Could you view the present situation as an alternative solution? Are there any possible benefits to the situation? Can I make any changes, without having to solve the problem first? How would I ideally like it to end? What small steps can I take towards a solution? What can I do today that will make a difference tomorrow? What will I settle for if all else fails?
