Identifying the problem in mind and relationship matters.

Identify what the problem exactly is

Use this list of questions to help uncover the exact details of the problem, rather than it just feeling like 'a black cloud' and your going 'around in circles', whenever you think about it. It will also help you to identify your resources, which may be far "richer" than you think. The questions in the last paragraph will help you to develop ideas about possible solutions.

This exercise can be really revealing and helpful. Just getting it all on paper, rather than having it swirling around in your head can help you to 'distance' yourself from the problem and calm down.

Start with one problem at the time, if there are several. Don't worry if it takes you several days to answer some of the questions, you can think of it as a project and a new start.

Identifying problem

in mind and relationship matters

The time

When does the problem occur?
When is it at its worst?
When does it not occur?
Can I identify a pattern?

The place

Where does the problem mostly occur?
Where does it not occur?
Can I identify a pattern?

The sequence

What are the exact steps leading up to the problem arising?
How does it start?
What exactly was/is my train of thought?
What am I doing/feeling/seeing?
Can I identify a pattern?

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Other people

What significant people are present/absent when the problem occurs?
What does my partner/friend/colleague/family think about the problem?
Can I identify a pattern?

The one and only

What part of the problem is for me to sort out and no-one else?
Can I separate myself from it by giving it a colour/name? I am OK … it is: the anxiety/depression/lack of confidence, etc.
What part of the problem do I have (some) control over?
Do I need help with it?

The positives

What parts of my role as a parent / friend / aunt / uncle /colleague / employer / employee / companion are working well?
What exactly am I doing that makes it work well?
What skills/resources am I using in my spare time and in my work?
What are my achievements? (large 'one off's' or every day 'small' ones: it may passing your driving test, getting your PhD or just cooking a meal, when you are depressed)
What would I consider to be 'life's little pleasures'? (i.e. a hot bath, first flowers in spring, a piece of art, reading an inspiring book, etc.)

Beyond the problem

What would I be doing/concentrating on if I did not have the problem?
How exactly would I be different?
What would my friends/family/colleagues notice about me?

Beginning to identify a solution

What would happen if I just ignored the problem?
Are there any possible benefits to the situation?
Can I make any changes, without having to solve the problem first?
How would I really like it to end?
What small steps can I take towards a solution?
Who has solved a similar problem? How did they do it?
Who can help and/or advice me whilst staying objective?
Who can support/encourage me whilst staying objective?
What can I do today that will make a difference tomorrow?
What will I settle for if all else fails?