Surviving an affair

This question is invariably asked by someone who has found about his/her partner's affair and often the answer is: "I don't know; it just happened; we were just friends; he/she made me feel good about myself; I could talk to him/her" or "it did not really mean anything".

The aftermath: both tend to feel depressed, for the "wronged" party that may include confusion, loss, anger, hurt. The "adulterer" often feels guilty, shame, loss, confusion

Women often want to talk and know all the details, however much they may hurt.
Men, often more action orientated, tend to want to leave it behind, which could mean either not talking about it, or wanting to divorce.
Both partners will have difficulties with trust. The wronged party is likely to feel the need to check up constantly. The adulterer is likely not to trust that this misdemeanour will ever be forgiven.

Sometimes a crisis, such as the discovery/disclosure of an affair, can be a real catalyst. No longer can the problems in the relationship be ignored. If both partners are able to face up to what has happened and, if appropriate, can take responsibility for their own role in what led to the infidelity, there is a real chance of recovery, perhaps even resulting in a better, if different, relationship than they had before. It may also result in an ending. However, because you are likely to feel very emotional, this is not a good time to make a life-changing decision right now. A high level of emotional arousal focuses your attention--in this situation: on the problem--making it less likely that you can see what has happened in a wider context. Whilst our emotional brain (limbic system) is in charge, you have less access to the logical part of your brain (higher cortex). To deal with stress …

A "reason", or explanation, is not the same as an excuse, deceit is often the most painful aspect of an affair. However, once you are over the initial shock, it may be helpful for you both to reflect on the possibility of an underlying problem.

Trust can take a long time to rebuild, months, perhaps even years, but in the meantime you can build a really rewarding relationship. Lots of reassurance is vital. "Courting": sharing attention, talking, getting to know each other again, outings, etc. can do much to help the relationship to survive and improve.
Ultimately we have to accept that we are fallible as human beings -- there is never going to be a 100% guarantee about anything in human relationships/behaviour -- and we are responsible for our own insecurities. This is not to excuse an affair, it is a reality check and a part explanation.

Be prepared to:

Seek help. Stop blaming each other. Confront problems. Confront yourself. Confront your behaviour . Deal with the anger. Reaffirm the positive. Set time aside to talk. Listen to each other Give each other time .

Accept that it may take many months to recover, but you can recover and your relationship can be all the healthier for it.

Having an affair does not make for a smooth transition from one relationship to another! Frequently the partner having the affair ends up switching between both partners, unable to settle in the primary relationship because of the existing problems now being exacerbated by the fall-out of the affair and enjoyment of the secondary relationship being thwarted by feeling of guilt if there are children involved, or an inability to deal with the complications of having taken on another family. Ending the primary relationship, allowing for time to grief and move on and/or relationship counselling is likely to be most helpful in these circumstances.

Transitions pregnancy, birth, children leaving home, mid-life, redundancy, death.
Problems neglected, rejected, bored, revenge
Leaving relationship dissatisfied, development, never been right
Gender issues "coming out", lesbian/homosexual
More rarely obsessive compulsive behaviour, "hunting"
History parent(s)' affair(s)
Specific (wanting to escape)--infertility, illness, disability
Sex higher sex-drive, sexual problems
Fear of being single, when not in a relationship
Status
Opportunity
Curiosity

Elly Prior, HG Dip P, Cert CC Relate, MHGI, MBACP (Accred)

Human Givens Therapist

Gillingham, Kent, UK Tel.: (+44) 01634 856176 Email