You feel hurt, angry, and if you had the affair probably guilty. Your relationship/marriage can recover once initial feelings have began to subside. If you are both able to face up what has happened, you can potentially create a better, if different, relationship than before. However, it will take time and that you will be grieving for the loss of the relationship as it was before.
Be aware that, however difficult it is for the 'wronged' partner and however much you would not want to be sympathetic, the one who had the affair may feel bereft for the loss of the other person.
To recover, be prepared to: - seekhelp after the affair - stop blaming each other, it stops sorting things out - confront the problems in your relationship - confront yourself, take responsibility - challenge your behaviour, wronged or not - read my anger management tips - reaffirm the positive - set time aside to talk - set a reasonable time limit on the conversation about the infidelity for that day - read my relationship communication advice - accept it may take months to recover
Men and women usually deal with infidelity differently
One of you wants to talk about feelings and know the details (usually women) The other wants to leave it behind and concentrate on the future, which could mean not talking about it or a divorce (more usually men). Both partners will have difficulties with trust. The wronged party is likely to feel the need to check up constantly. The adulterer is likely not to trust that he/she will ever be forgiven. Indeed, 'not trusting' could be considered a good strategy.
Infidelity destroys all trust
An affair destroys all trust and it can take a long time to rebuild trust - months, perhaps even years. Nevertheless it may be possible in the meantime to rebuild a loving relationship and a rewarding marriage.
If you are the 'wronged' partner your husband/wife will need to give you lots of reassurance. Sharing attention, talking, getting to know each other again, outings, changing routines, etc. can do much to help the marriage to survive the infidelity. Tackling longstanding problems head on now must also be on the agenda. Do whatever you can to deal with any underlying problems.
Ultimately we have to accept that we are fallible as human beings -- there is never going to be a 100% guarantee about anything in human relationships -- and we ourselves are responsible for how we deal with our own insecurities. This is not to excuse an affair, it is a reality check.
Healing from infidelity
Give yourselfatleast a couple of weeks, without expecting too much of yourself. 'Coping with not coping' and fulfilling only essential requirements - such as doing your job, if not - taking any time off, or seeing to the children, is probably all that you can manage. This will start the healing.
That terrible raw feeling will fade gradually. You won't be out of the woods for a while, but that sense of having been traumatised passes usually within a few weeks.
If you it difficult to function - do contact me for some telephone counselling. Having some extra support and an independent person to run things by can help you to cope better. You will find it enormously helpful to take some action.
Is the affair finished?
How you deal with infidelity depends without a doubt on whether the affair has finished! If you are really not sure, this book may help. However, be aware that checking up on your partner does not solve the problems between the two of you and may even add to them!
