You may be hurt and amazed that after frequent explanations your spouse or girl/boyfriend still does not 'get it'! You have found yourself repeating the same thing over and over again and now it only causes arguments. Even when we seem to be getting through, we often feel disappointed again later, when we discover that nothing has really changed. Let me help you improve your relationship communication.
Vital information to help you understand the problems
You - we all - are viewing the world, other people, and yourself through a 'template'. Your own personal template is shaped by your age, gender, culture, health, previous experiences, etc. It determines what meaning you attach to whatever is going on around us and the words/phrases other people use! Words are only symbols of what is going round in somebody's head.
Ideally you would surround yourself with people who are of similar ilk and unconsciously confirm that your way of seeing things is the right way. You read books, watch TV programmes, listen to music, etc all confirming who you think you are. You are constantly filtering out information that does not fit with how you see yourself, without even knowing.
RELATIONSHHIP TEST
Ask your partner to think of an object, perhaps a tree, a house, or any other object (paying attention to colours, fragrance, texture, and sounds). Do the same yourself.
Describe in turn what you saw. How did the images, smells, sounds and textures differ? How similar were the descriptions?
What have you learned about relationship problems? What would you advice?
The princess and the knight in shining armour
When you first met your husband, wife or boy/girlfriend you were really relating to a fantasy - we 'edit out' information about people with our template. Equally you didn't reveal all yourself either - you were either 'the princess' or 'the knight'.
Relationship communicationproblems begin, when we think we are talking about the same things. However, we are prone to missing so much information that we may as well be speaking in different languages! Our conversations are built on the assumptions we have unwittingly made. We assume what the other person means, based on our own understanding of the world around us - we confuse the 'map' with the 'territory'.
At some point when we can no longer ignore the hidden stuff or continue to hide what we chose not to reveal. Slowly we each become aware of what we are really dealing with. Then we begin to accept, reject, complain and negotiate. In a ''good enough' relationship this a continuous process. By observing, learning and communicating about what is "inside our head" we can by trial and error 'fine-tune' our template into something more realistic. I will help you with lots of advice on dealing with your relationship problems.
Respectfully accept that you are both different. You are unlikely to ever feel, think, communicate, love in the same way, because you are genetically, biologically and psychologically different.
The best advice for relationship problems I can give you is to check, with yourself and your partner, that you have not made any assumptions, particularly when you feel he/she has upset you! If you are struggling to make sense of it all, contact me to arrange for counselling or coaching. It can really help turn things around for you, clear your head and understand what is going on.
SIMPLE RELATIONSHIP TEST
Write down both the first five words that come to mind connected with the words: Love, closeness, intimacy, fairness, happiness Maybe you did not quite understand what your partner meant after all. Words like love and happiness lack detail: who does what, exactly where and when. Imagine the scope for misunderstandings and relationship problems!
