The princess and the knight are having relationship problems

In a close couple relationship we are often surprised and hurt if our partner does not understand what we are talking about, despite our sometimes lengthy and frequent explanations. We find ourselves saying the same things over and over again and become angry because we don't seem to get through--relationship problems ensue.

Relationship counselling or marriage guidance can help you to understand each other better. You may also be able to understand the problems in your relationship better if you realise and accept that you both have a different point of view, both potentially equally valid.

We habitually view the world, other people, and ourselves through a 'veil' - its patterns and colours developed by our age, gender, culture, health, previous experiences, etc., all of it determining what meaning we attach to whatever is going on around us. We are comfortable with the kind of people who confirm our view of the world and the way we see ourselves; we read books, watch television programmes and join groups/organisations, that confirm the way we see ourselves. We tend to filter out information that does not fit the image we have of ourselves.

Ask someone close to you to think of an object, perhaps a tree, a house, or any other object (paying attention to colours, fragrance, texture, and sounds). Do the same yourself.

Describe in turn what you saw. How did the images, smells, sounds and textures differ?

What have you learned about the problems in your relationship?

When we meet a potential partner we, to greater or lesser extent, relate to a fantasy - using our 'veil' or template we edit out information about that person, as well as ourselves, we become 'the princess' and 'the knight'. Sometimes though, when we think we are talking about the same things, our points of reference (templates) seem so different that we just don't seem to be able to relate to each other and might as well be speaking in different languages. Our conversations are built around the assumptions we have unwittingly made, about what the other person means, based on our own understanding of the world around us - we confuse the 'map' with the 'territory'.

When we can no longer ignore that which we initially choose not to see, the matching becomes more subtle, involving increased awareness, acceptance, negotiation, or rejection of the initially rejected aspects of ourselves and each other. In a ''good enough' relationship, in which problems are 'managed', this is a continuous process of learning, shaped by internal ("inside our head") and external experiences of day-to-day living over a period of time and by trial and error.

EXERCISE

Write down both the first five words that come to mind connected with the words:

Love, closeness, intimacy, fairness, happiness

Maybe you did not quite understand what your partner meant after all.

Words like love and happiness lack detail; essential information is missing: who does what, exactly where and when.

Imagine the scope for misunderstandings with all the potential development of problems in your relationship!