Surviving an affair. Dealing with infidelity.

Everybody and every

situation is different;

CALL ME

for counselling, advice.

Finding out your partner has been unfaithful

"Why" is the question invariably asked by someone who has found about his/her partner's affair. Often the answer is: "I don't know; it just happened; we were just friends; he/she made me feel good about myself; I could talk to him/her" or "it did not really mean anything".

How do you deal with infidelity?

Sometimes a crisis, such as the discovery/disclosure of an affair, can be a real catalyst. No longer can the problems in the relationship be ignored. If both partners are able to face up to what has happened and, if appropriate, can take responsibility for their own role in what led to the infidelity, there is a real chance of recovery. This could even result in a better, if different, relationship than they had before. It may also result in the relationship coming to an end.

However, because you are likely to feel very emotional, this is not a good time to make a life-changing decision. A high level of emotional arousal focuses and locks your attention - in this situation: on the problem - making it less likely that you can see the affair in a wider context and being able to identify the best possible way forward. Whilst our emotional brain (limbic system) is in charge, you have less access to the logical part of your brain (higher cortex), making it difficult to think straight.

Reactions

Whatever the nature of the relationship, your reaction and your feelings to an affair are uniquely yours. However common reactions are that:

one wants to talk about feelings and know the details (usually women)

the other wants to leave it behind and concentrate on the future, which could mean not talking about it or a divorce (more usually men).

both partners will have difficulties with trust. The wronged party is likely to feel the need to check up constantly. The adulterer is likely not to trust that he/she will ever be forgiven.

What reasons are there for infidelity?

Transitions pregnancy, birth, children leaving home, mid-life, redundancy, death.

Problems - neglected, rejected, bored, revenge

Leaving relationship - dissatisfied, development, never been right

Gender issues - 'coming out', lesbian/homosexual

More rarely - obsessive compulsive behaviour, 'hunting'

History parent(s)' affair(s)

Specific (wanting to escape) - infertility, illness, disability

Sex - higher sex-drive, sexual problems

Fear of being single, when not in a relationship

Status - here an 'out of balance' essential need

Opportunity

Curiosity

A 'reason', or explanation, is not the same as an excuse, deceit is often the most painful aspect of an affair. However, once you are over the initial shock, it may help you both to reflect on the possibility of an underlying problem, which is often related to essential needs not being met (not meaning that one is entirely responsible for meeting another's needs).

Recovery is possible, if your partner has given up on the affair completely!

Be prepared to:

Seek help

Stop blaming each other

Confront problems

Confront yourself

Confront your behaviour

Deal with the anger

Reaffirm the positive

Set time aside to talk

Listen to each other

Give each other time

Accept that it may take many months to recover

Surviving an affair

dealing with infidelity

Printer friendly page

Rebuilding trust after an affair

Infidelity destroys all trust. Though it can take a long time to rebuild- months, perhaps even years - it may be possible in the meantime rebuild a really rewarding relationship. Lots of reassurance is vital. Sharing attention, talking, getting to know each other again, outings, changing routines, etc. can do much to help the relationship to survive and improve.

Ultimately we have to accept that we are fallible as human beings -- there is never going to be a 100% guarantee about anything in human relationships/behaviour -- and we are responsible for our own insecurities. This is not to excuse an affair, it is a reality check.

Having an affair does not make for a smooth transition from one relationship to another! Frequently the partner having the affair ends up switching between both partners. He/she is unable to settle in the primary relationship because of the existing problems, which are now being exacerbated by the fall-out of the affair. The enjoyment of the secondary relationship is being thwarted by feelings of guilt, particularly if there are children left behind, and/or an inability to deal with the complications of having taken on another family. Ending the primary relationship, allowing for time to grief and move on, with or without the help of a relationship counsellor is likely to be most useful in these circumstances.

Excellent articles about infidelity can be found at 2-in-2-1, including a consideration of issues around telling your partner that you are having/having had an affair.