"Why" is the question invariably asked of their partner by someone who has found about an extra marital affair. Often the answer is: "I don't know; it just happened; we were just friends; he/she made me feel good about myself; I could talk to him/her" or "it did not really mean anything".
Surviving infidelity - recognising a 'normal' reaction
Yourreactions and the effects will depend somewhat on whether your discovery of the infidelity was a total shock or you had been suspicious for some time (see signs of infidelity).
However, at various stages, it is not unusual to:
feel shocked have difficulties with thinking, concentrating and retaining information feel a deep sense of loss cry at the drop of a hat spot 'reminders' of the history of your relationship everywhere feel like everything is too much of an effort feel consumed by a sense of hurt and anger avoid people who you do not want to inform feel irritated and angry with 'trivia' feel tired all the time and have sleep problems
Getting over an affair - emotions and making decisions
The shock of the discovery of infidelity in marriage or committed relationship usually causes a huge emotional crisis. This locks your attention on the problem! Your emotional brain (limbic system) is in charge right now, making it a bad time to make life-changing decisions making it difficult to think straight.
You need to let the fog rise and perhaps read this. Give yourself at least a couple of weeks to just calm down, after finding out about an extra marital affair. Only then can you begin to consider what your next step should be to survive the infidelity.
What 'causes' someone to have an affair?
A 'reason', or explanation, for the infidelity is not the same as an excuse, betrayal/deceit is often the most painful aspect of an extramarital affair. However, once you are over the initial shock, do reflect on the possibility of an underlying problem. This could be related to essential emotional needs not being met, which may stem from patterns of behaviour originating in childhood. The following maybe underlying the infidelity, including a possibly unhappy marriage:
Transitions - e.g. pregnancy, birth, children leaving home, mid-life Problems - feeling neglected, rejected, bored, or wanting revenge Ending - dissatisfied, development, never been right Gender issues More rarely - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD), 'hunting' History - parent(s)' extra marital affair(s) Specific (escape) - infertility, illness, disability Sex - see sexual relationship problems Fear of being single, when not in a relationship Status - an essential need perhaps not met in any other way Opportunity and curiosity
